Here's why you need constant validation

The psychology behind approval addiction - and how to finally break free

Welcome to issue #21 of LYB. Each week, I break down the psychology behind why you think, act, and feel the way you do - then show you how to change it. If you’re not subscribed yet, you’re missing insights that could transform how you live.

I used to check my phone every 5 minutes after posting something online.

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

Waiting for likes. Waiting for comments. Waiting for someone to tell me what I created was good.

If the response was positive, I felt amazing for an hour. Then the high wore off and I needed another hit.

If the response was lukewarm, I’d spiral. “I’m not good enough. Nobody cares about my work. I should just quit.”

My entire sense of self-worth depended on other people’s reactions.

I needed constant validation to feel okay about myself. And it was exhausting.

Here’s what I finally understood: needing constant validation isn’t a personality trait. It’s a symptom of a deeper problem.

Once I identified what was actually driving this need, I could fix it.

Here’s why you need constant validation - and how to stop.

You never developed internal self-worth

Most validation addiction starts in childhood.

If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional - where you only felt valued when you performed, achieved, or pleased others - you learned a dangerous lesson:

“My worth depends on external approval.”

Maybe your parents only praised you when you got good grades. Maybe they only showed affection when you behaved “correctly.” Maybe they compared you to siblings or other kids. Maybe they criticized more than they encouraged.

What this taught you: “I’m only valuable when others say I am.”

So now, as an adult, you’re still seeking that external confirmation. You need other people to tell you you’re smart, attractive, successful, worthy.

Because you never learned to tell yourself.

The problem: External validation is infinite. You can never get enough. Because the hole you’re trying to fill is internal.

No amount of likes, compliments, or approval will ever be sufficient if you don’t believe you’re worthy without them.

You’ve outsourced your identity to other people

Here’s a question: Who are you when nobody’s watching?

If you can’t answer that clearly, you’ve outsourced your identity.

You become whoever you think people want you to be. You adjust your personality based on who you’re around. You don’t have core values - you have social survival strategies.

Signs you’ve outsourced your identity:

• You change your opinions based on who you’re talking to

• You struggle to make decisions without asking others first

• You don’t know what you actually like vs. what you think you should like

• You feel anxious when you’re alone for too long

• You need to share everything you do to feel like it mattered

I used to be a chameleon. Different version of myself for different groups. No consistent core.

I didn’t know who I actually was. So I let other people define me through their reactions.

The result: I needed constant validation because without it, I literally didn’t know who I was.

Social media rewired your brain for external metrics

Before social media, validation was limited. A few friends, family, coworkers. Finite approval sources.

Now? Infinite approval sources. And quantified metrics.

You don’t just wonder if people like your post. You can see EXACTLY how many people liked it. You can compare your metrics to everyone else’s. You can watch in real-time as validation comes or doesn’t come.

What this does to your brain:

Every like triggers a small dopamine hit. Your brain learns: “Posting = potential reward.”

So you post more. You check more. You crave the metrics more.

But here’s the trap: the dopamine comes from anticipation, not satisfaction. You’re never actually satisfied. You’re always chasing the next hit.

The comparison effect: You don’t just measure yourself against your past performance. You measure yourself against everyone else’s best performance.

Your 50 likes feel bad next to someone else’s 500. Your achievement feels small next to someone else’s bigger achievement.

Social media didn’t create validation seeking. But it amplified it to addiction levels.

You’re afraid of being wrong or disliked

Validation seeking is often fear in disguise.

You’re not seeking approval because it feels good. You’re seeking approval because rejection feels terrible.

The fear underneath:

• If I’m wrong, I’m worthless

• If people don’t like me, I’m alone

• If I’m criticized, I’m a failure

• If I make a mistake, I’m incompetent

So you constantly check: “Am I doing this right? Do people approve? Am I acceptable?”

You need validation not to feel good, but to avoid feeling bad.

I used to ask for opinions on everything. Not because I valued others’ input. Because I was terrified of making the “wrong” choice and being judged for it.

The truth: You can’t avoid criticism or rejection. Ever. No matter how much validation you collect.

Someone will always dislike you. Someone will always disagree. Someone will always think you’re wrong.

Seeking constant validation is trying to achieve the impossible: universal approval.

You don’t trust yourself

This is the core issue.

You seek external validation because you don’t trust your own judgment.

You don’t believe you can determine if something is good. You need others to tell you.

You don’t believe you can assess your own worth. You need others to confirm it.

Where this comes from:

• Being gaslit (taught not to trust your perceptions)

• Being criticized heavily (internalized doubt)

• Being compared to others (never feeling “enough”)

• Being micromanaged (never allowed to make your own decisions)

I didn’t trust my own opinions because every time I expressed one growing up, it was challenged or dismissed.

So I learned: “My judgment is unreliable. I need external confirmation.”

The result: I became dependent on others to validate my thoughts, feelings, and choices.

I couldn’t even decide if I liked something without checking what others thought first.

How to build internal validation

Here’s what actually worked for me:

1. Stop asking for opinions you don’t need

Every time you ask “What do you think?” ask yourself: “Do I actually need input, or am I seeking validation?”

If it’s validation, don’t ask. Sit with the discomfort of trusting yourself.

Practice: Make small decisions without consulting anyone. What to eat. What to wear. What to watch.

Build the muscle of trusting your own judgment on low-stakes choices first.

2. Separate your worth from your performance

You are not your accomplishments. You are not your failures. You are not other people’s opinions of you.

The mantra I use: “I have inherent worth simply by existing. My value doesn’t increase or decrease based on external metrics.”

This sounds like self-help fluff. It’s not. It’s rewiring a fundamental belief system.

3. Create your own standards

Stop measuring yourself by other people’s standards. Define your own.

Questions to ask:

• What do I actually value (not what I think I should value)?

• What does success look like to me (not to society)?

• What makes me feel proud (not what gets likes)?

I created a document of my personal standards. When I need validation, I check against my standards, not against public opinion.

4. Practice self-validation

This feels weird at first. But it works.

When you accomplish something, don’t immediately post it or tell people. Sit with it yourself first.

Tell yourself: “I’m proud of this. This mattered. I did well.”

Your opinion of your work needs to come first. Others’ opinions can be secondary.

5. Expose yourself to criticism intentionally

The only way to become less dependent on approval is to practice handling disapproval.

Post something you believe without worrying if people agree. Make a decision without consensus. Express an unpopular opinion.

You’ll learn: criticism doesn’t destroy you. Disapproval isn’t death.

The fear of rejection is worse than actual rejection.

6. Spend time alone intentionally

You can’t develop internal validation if you’re constantly seeking external input.

Spend deliberate time alone. No phone. No social media. Just you and your thoughts.

Learn to be comfortable with yourself without external confirmation that you’re okay.

The freedom

Here’s what life looks like without constant validation seeking:

You post something and don’t check the response for hours (or days). You make decisions confidently without needing others’ approval. You’re proud of your work regardless of external recognition. You have opinions and don’t need everyone to agree. You’re okay with being disliked by people who don’t align with your values.

You trust yourself.

This doesn’t mean you don’t value feedback. It means feedback informs you, it doesn’t define you.

This doesn’t mean you don’t care what people think. It means you care more about what you think.

The validation you’ve been seeking from others? You learn to give it to yourself.

And that’s when you finally feel free.

Keep validating yourself,

-Dan

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What’s your take on today’s topic? Do you agree, disagree, or is there something I missed?